Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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