We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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