My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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