Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
