ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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