I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
