I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
how does that bad decision feel?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
