i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
