Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
