I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
