After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
