I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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