If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
