i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
