I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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