I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
