Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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