I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
