why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
