we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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