3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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