I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
