don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
