I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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