his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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