Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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