this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You're like the curious george of whores
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
