I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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