you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
