Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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