there's paper in my vomit.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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