There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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