my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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