I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
