walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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