my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
