We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
50% drunk capacity currently
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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