you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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