Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
