Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
