In the future we'll all be gay
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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