you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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