We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
