The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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