Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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