I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
