"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
