I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
