I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
