My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
