and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
