oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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