things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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