i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
