A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
