Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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