I accidentally had phone sex last night
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
