I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
