im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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