Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
