You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
