Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
